Shadows Of The Past

When I was 19, I tried to be “juddi Krishnamurti”, this consumed a lot of my energy and I suffered from the imitation, never finding happiness within. Then I watched this movie called “gladiator” and all of a sudden I became “Maximus”, I lived in the character for a while but soon became disgusted with myself. Out of the blue, I became keen about Buddhism and I fell in love with Siddhartha; altered ego set- in and I was Siddhartha. Siddhartha in Buddhism became the Buddha and was free from his sufferings, and here I was still in the shadows of despair and fear. I masked- up these characters for a long while but they never morphed, deep within the life-current was resisting such inauthenticity.

The only thing special is what you don’t have; with this I have seen a lot of good in this life that was not bequeathed to me. I wanted them badly but they never came. A hard lesson I finally learned to put- up with. After long series of boredom, vain imaginations, promptings of idleness I finally felt the urge to grow. I tell you the truth growth is not an easy task, the inner resistance that oppose this is unbelievable, there is something hid unseen in the darkness within that resists the light.

Great resistance stirred- up but the suffering I felt at this point was greater. When the pang of agony become intense and no place to turn, only to develop is the exit door. I jumped at the opportunity to grow. A restless mind is a problem in itself and to discipline it is like taming wild-wind forces. My mind was my problem, I was completely governed by it. I could say it was the master and I was the prisoner. Whatever it brought up I entertained, it led me to dark places, to anxious states, to the mire of fear and depression. This was torment in itself!

Expansion is deliverance, this I say! For when growth is fully embraced change begin. The awareness found an outlet to emerge out of the Soul-searching, it was at first just a fickle light, a clap of the hands could unflame it. I held on to it, like the unskilled swimmer hold on to anything for dear life.

To surrender was the hardest thing, futility of actions from “personal- will” was evident and yet the clinging remain. The unknown is very frightening and I could not imagine a life without control. The mind being a control maniac could not let go, but the Soul, the Child within was non-resistant. The child within finally won, and the let-go to life was effected. The fear slowly changed to confidence as the orchestrations begin, things just began to fall in place and wow! a spaciousness is now ever present and expanding everyday.

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